The Life of Eric

Nerds…they just-ah wanna have fun….oooh yeah…

Wow. That’s really the only thing I can say about tonight. When the description for the event reads, and I seriously can not make this stuff up even if I tried:

“Tech•Ed Jam Sessions are legendary. This year in Orlando, you can unwind and hang out with fellow Tech•Ed music lovers on Monday and Tuesday evening at Matrix. Grab an instrument or bring your own, and help rock the house with everything from Jazz to Blues to Rock & Roll. As always, you’ll have access to lyrics, instruments, sheet music, and a complete lighting and sound system.”

So, on the totally sweet bus ride over to the “Jam Session” (I use that term extremely lightly) there was a bunch of nerd talk to be eaves dropped on. One set of people included two dudes and a girl (and a very un-attractive girl at that), and they were taking her picture like it was some prize. Maybe they were on a scavenger hunt too? Who knows. But, the real story was with the 3 guys in the front of the bus talking about this upcoming Jam Session. One in particular was talking about his days in the hood as an altarizzle boy layin down the funk wit da totally bangin’ wind pipes. To picture this guy imagine the following:
1) Steve Urkle and take his voice and modify it a little bit
2) Someone as tall as Russell
3) Deck Shoes
4) Black Socks
5) White Shorts
6) Orange shirt
7) Then combine the dancing ability of all of the worst dancers in the world, and cut it in half. Then imagine that as being the best dancer. He would be the worst dancer in that messed up world.

Ok, so now we arrive at the session. We are beat into submission when exiting the bus to put our dorky, look at me and make fun of me, lanyards on. Reluctantly we complied in fears of not making it to the mother ship. As we enter the club, yes it was a real club. Not only was it a real club, but it was across the area from the Hooters. So, as if we weren’t begging to be made fun of anymore by going to TechEd, they now put, what has to be, the absolute dorkiest “par-tay” directly across from a Hooters that is jam packed full of non-lanyard wearing people, just waiting to make fun of us. It felt like Revenge of the Nerds, but all we would be able to do is write a killer application and secure the network while we’re being beat to death by Ogre’s bare hands forthwith.

Anyhow, so we get to da club and it’s all bangin’. I mean people banging their heads into the tables. It was, by far, the absolute worst “band” ever. And that is really saying something. You think William Hung is bad, imagine about 20 of him on stage, all singing, playing drums, a saxophone, a trumpet, and some guitars, and TWO keyboards all at the same time, in different keys, different beats, and of course, different songs. Then imagine a really crappy high school band doing the same thing. Yes, it is worse than that. Now put in about 100 contestants for the nerdiest guy at TechEd and two somewhat attractive girls, who are wayyyyy to drunk to be in this location. What do you get?

Fat, bald, 45 year-old gropy man meets somewhat attractive drunk off her ass, hopes to never be reminded of this night again 23 year old blonde girl with a shirt that shows off her midriff. Not only does gropy-man meet her and cop a feel every 2 minutes, but she actually asks the nerds at her table to “dance” with her. When I say dance, what I mean is she is asking them to move awkwardly around the room in a rhythmic fashion that completely ignores any tempo that is being laid down by the totally sweet nerd rock band while basically holding her up and keeping her conscious. At around 11pm, it started to get pretty bad. I’m thinking we’re not going to be seeing her at any of the morning sessions. Instead she’ll probably be washing herself with bleach and burning her clothes from what has to be the worst night of her life. Or, maybe she gets off on this stuff, because she has officially earned the holy tile of “the hot girl” at TechEd. What’s really sad? She’s not that good looking. But when the only girl in the room is asking you to dance and lets you, Mr. 38 year-old-software-developer-with-your-Magic-Cards-in-your-hotel-room-and¬your¬Chewbacca-costume-here-just-incase-some-people-want-to-go-see-Star-Wars-again, feel like the hottest guy in the room and cop a feel…you have officially earned that title and all of its privileges (as disturbing as those may be)

This concludes my midnight blog update of the best night in nerd history.

Carry on.

posted by Eric Webb @ 11:51 PM